The responsibility and direction of a family’s estate plan generally sits solely with the parents. A purely top-down approach makes sense until you look at and listen more closely to the experiences of many families. We’ve observed that adult siblings often see things differently and have questions, concerns and sometimes ideas on what might work best once their parents are gone. Some families address potentially difficult conversations before finalizing their estate plan; other parents are unaware of issues hiding just below the surface; while still others know and hope for the best, preferring not to make waves.

We often see examples of the latter two situations where parents draft wills without garnering insights from their adult children. We also recognize that children watching their parents age, sometimes dramatically, may try to protect parents from unnecessary upset and so keep things from them. As a result, there is little cross-generation communication. Far too often, children learn about the contents of their parents’ wills after they pass and face unpleasant surprises.  Unfortunately, not every situation works out like a movie with a happy ending.

Having an open dialogue with adult children, before finalizing your estate, can help you learn what’s important to them and possibly gain some valuable information that could significantly alter your intended estate plan.  Does it mean opening a can of worms? Sometimes. However, there are generally options to help address concerns. Here are a few situations.

Co-Executor Duties

It’s one thing for “kids” to turn up for celebratory dinners like Thanksgiving. It’s another to ask them to work through the challenges and emotions of being the executor of your estate. They may not get along as well as you think. A child might be intimidated by the prospect of being your executor or worse, co-executing with a sibling. A professional executor can alleviate the burden and potential for future conflicts over the distribution of your estate.

 

The Family Cottage (a.k.a. family property of many kinds)

The likelihood of keeping the cottage in the family, assuming someone truly wants it, increases when you have frank and open discussions with the children who will inherit that responsibility. For a large estate, it may be possible to leave the cottage to one child, and still have an equitable distribution for all. In other cases, the use of life insurance, a trust, or offering a first right of refusal to buy the cottage from the estate at fair market value might be the best solution.

The Realities Of Your Child’s Life

Listening to your adult child, you may learn things you don’t want to hear, but at least you have time to make some decisions. For instance, a child may be in a declining marriage and, at this stage, may be planning to divorce once you’re gone. Perhaps things will right themselves, but for now, at minimum, it may be best to leave their part of your estate in an account in their name only, or consider using a trust to hold assets for your children and grandchildren. This way your estate assets aren’t considered family property for the purposes of a divorce settlement.

It’s not news to say that families can be joyous and messy. In our work, we see all sorts of complications, most of which can be avoided by parents and their adult children talking about estate planning early enough to better reflect how life is—and could be—across generations.